The Settlers

I was watching something on T.V. a couple of days ago and they referred to the first white inhabitants of a certain part of America as "settlers", meaning they decided to stay and add "civilization" to that particular piece of real estate.

Of course it's not the first time that I've heard that term used, but for the first time I processed it differently that I have before.

I started to feel sorry for the "settlers". I saw them as settlers, people settling for what life gave them. I began seeing the folks in Satan's Anus as settlers, hoping that I wasn't becoming one.

I hope I'm an "aspirant", but if you're surrounded by "settlers" I think that shit's contagious.

I listen to people, young people, around here discuss their goals and it's so low level. Thinking as if you want to be a high achiever is easy. It's the work that's hard! How much of a slack ass do you have to be to think so low level?

Here's to the settlers. I hope I'm looking at them in the rear view mirror.

Who's Telling Your Story?

The one thing I worry about constantly is my legacy. I worry about it so much, that I don't work on my current life, which is crazy. How good will be legacy be if I don't work on the present?

Anyway, the reason I'm thinking about this is that I was revising my resume today. I got an offer to do some consulting work in Detroit the other day. It would be on a part-time basis and would help to pad my income a bit. They needed an update resume to include it in their qualifications packet when they bid on projects.

For a dude in my field at my age, my resume is flawless. I've never made a lot of loot, but experience and responsibility wise, my resume is crack. I got to look at some of the choices I made and reflect. I lot of things I did was in response to a renewed interest in my legacy.

I made a choice when I made it out of undergrad in 1994. I wanted to create a personal and professional portfolio that would be able to help any children I had to open doors based on my reputation. This is one of the few things my father couldn't do for me and I wanted this for my children.

In the course of doing this shit, I never had the kids!!! I still volunteer for the right causes, join the right organizations, keep steady contact with the right people all for children I don't have.

The reason I worry so much is that you never know who'll be telling your story. My ex-wife will tell people I'm irresponsible and mercurial. My ex-girlfriend will call me the most driven, motivated and passionate person she knows. My boys think I'm a visionary. My professors (undergrad and grad) would call me a slacker. I keep working to get that story to an agreeable consensus. At least until it's lie I can live (or die)with.

Addict

I can't stop! I went to the bookstore last night and bought The Covenant with Black America. Everytime I say I'll make due with the books I have, I buy more. I still got a book I bought before I moved to Satan's Anus, The 48 Laws of Power, that I'm smack dab in the middle of. I can't finish it. I've started and finished a gang of books in the interim.

I bought a Bible before I left Detroit, too. Still in the plastic wrapping. I was going to read it in a scholarly fashion, without a preacher's interpretation getting in the way of the words. I haven't gotten to it. I've been reading this blog this dude started on Slate.com where he's doing exactly what I'd planned to do. Read the Bible as a layman would with no external interpretation. Well, you snooze ya lose. I still plan to do my thing though.

I bought this book called The Naked Ape a few months ago that I'm anxious to get to. It's about body language and all the stuff you can deduce from just people watching. I always get sidetracked by another book. Books are like nerd heroin. You just can't turn off curiosity. I wish I could. So many subjects interest me.

The next book I want to get will be on the subject of sociobiology, the study of God and nature (i.e. the natural function of things). The leading light in this field, the originator of the field, is Edward O. Wilson. I'm curious about the craziest shit.

What I really need is a library card. The library in the town where I live (on the outskirts of Satan's Anus) has the same work hours as I do. I can't get a Satan's Anus Library Card without first getting one from my town's library. It's all fucked up and convoluted.

In the meantime, I guess I'll keep buying.

Whatever Happens, Happens

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson

I'm letting the chips fall where they may, because believing I can change the way things are going is making me ill.

Last week when I talked to Thelma and let her know that I needed to get some things done careerwise, it was a thought altering process.

Thelma and I broke up about a year ago this week. The grounds of which were some shaky shit about me not including her as part of my plans to leave Detroit. I did include her, she blew me off, and when it got real and I was packing, she freaked. So she broke up with me.

In the past year it's been on and off, trying to make things work. Frankly, I don't even like her. I think she's kind of dizzy and the lack of deep thoughts bothers me, especially when I think about us raising children. But she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, bar none. She's drop dead gorgeous and she's mine for the taking.

It kind of makes me look like I think less of myself for my attempts to stick with her for such a shallow reason. Actually, I think pretty highly of myself. But I like the lift I'd get having such an incredible dime attached to my arm. It makes shit so much easier. I've watched people lose their minds just to give her free shit. It's funny to watch. Every time I look at her, I think "Damn, she's dizzy". Then I see a stranger see her, man or woman, and then I remember, "Oh yeah, she's beautiful".

But I told her last week that we needed to think about the future and how we were going to proceed. If we would be together, where we would go from here, etc.

She stalled on me. Told me she didn't want to leave the state. I asked her what she'd do if there were no opportunities left in Michigan, which is built on manufacturing that's drying up. She didn't have a plan. I got furious and started yelling at her "It is inconsiderate not to make plans for your career. This fuckin' state is dying and you wanna stay here for what? You job is portable! My job is portable! What are you staying here for?"

She told me she was staying because her mother was here. That's all I needed to know.

If her mother was ailing or sick or otherwise didn't have a life, I'd kinda understand. But she'll be a jobless ass sitting around with her mother.

I'll fuck her until I get sick of her or meet her replacement. But as far as any serious thought about a future with her, I think otherwise.

Where My Head Is

Quotes:

"The birds are singing and the sun is shining/It looks like a beautiful morning" - "Beautiful Morning" by Little Brother

"I don't even get that much outta fuckin' no' mo'. Now I fuck just to have something to beat off to later." - Patrice O'Neal

So I finished The World Is Flat yesterday. My synopsis: bullshit.

In a nutshell, this is the book: America, Europe and Asia are getting closer through technology. Some outsourcing is occurring but if America invests in science education we'll be able to maintain solid standing in the world economy. Africa? Yeah, that's fucked up about Africa. Anyway, American, Europe and Asia will be tight. Terrorists are trying to unflatten the world, but fuck them. They're full of sour grapes. America is the shit!

So don't read that shit, it's all laid out for you.

I'll finish Hokum next hopefully. It's an anthology of African American humor compiled by the great Paul Beatty.

I gotta get some mood music up in this piece. It's all beats and rhymes and shit. I can't fuck to N.W.A.

Where I Am Today

I'm reading four books concurrently right now:
Hokum by Paul Beatty
The World Is Flat by Thomas Friedman
Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman
and Hegemony Or Survival by Noam Chomsky

I gotta finish one of 'em!!! I'm close to the end of The World Is Flat. I don't need to buy another book until I finish the shit I got. I got 3 more books I've bought and haven't had time to read.

In Heavy Rotation:
St. Elsewhere by Gnarls Barkley
Licensed To Ill by The Beastie Boys
That's Them by Artifacts
Labcabincalifornia by Pharcyde

I had to "re-buy" Purple Rain because this chick "borrowed" it we only had a one night hook up. I never saw her ass again and she took the CD to make sure she would. Sucker! It only took $9.99 to get rid of her ass!

To Do:
Call Neeka back so the weekend won't suck (chick I met in February and still haven't hooked up with).
Find something to do for Memorial Day weekend ( I lied to Shelly and told her I'd be in Atlanta).
By a charcoal grill in case Memorial Day is spend at the crib.
Write, for goodness sake!!!
Get on the fuckin' bike and ride.
Breathe.

The fuckin' Satan's Anus Chronicle misquoted me AGAIN!!!! I think these muthafuckas are trying to get me fired. Or at the very least make me look bad to my bosses. Bastards!

My landlord is trying to get me to sign a new lease since my current one ends in July. No haps unless it's got a clause in it releasing me if I find a new job 50+ miles away.

Damn, I've been here 10 MONTHS. Kudos to me. I thought I would have committed suicide by now. It might be the blog that actually saved me. Gave me a connection to a saner, cooler outside world.